Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Day 38

"When the going gets hard, just look at how far you have come"

Wednesday: Looking at all my before and after pictures, I can't help but go into a dark place.. I always tell others to acknowledge their accomplishments. Perhaps its time for me to take my own advice. I keep trying to pretend that I'm ok, and that losing weight makes me happy but the truth is.. almost 40 lbs lighter and I'm still not happy. I still have cancer, I still have asthma and my I still have no real Dad.. My grandparents are gone.. My family lives far and the one person I can talk to all this about lives an hour away from me... I can pretend I'm happy on this everyday .. but that wouldnt be a true blog would it..

I feel like I'm in a deep dark hole and frankly I'm no
t sure how to get out.. each and every day that goes by I feel like people around me are taking a shovel full of dirt and putting it in that hole I'm in.. I've hit my pleateau.. I've hit the wall..

As I write this I cry, because whoever reads it, wont quiet understand because you see.. your not me.. you don't go through this pain. Although I'm sure in some way you can some what relate.. Why aren't I happy .. why am I still fat.. ugh

Goals: I worked out yesterday for 3 hours and ran 2 miles.. I puked after my run and I know I'm pushing my body to the limit.. have you ever been soo obssessed that you just dont know what to do.. I'm really hurting.. Its come to the point that today .. I just wanted to run away.. I feel alone in this battle.. my everything hurts.. I don't want to work out anymore..
It's going to be a long summer thats for sure.. To be honest at points I wish the cancer got worse and that I would
just disappear no one noticing.. no one caring..

I know this doesn't sound like me at all, but it is.. A part of me I never share..

How am I sup
pose to work out today.. how the hell am I suppose to make right choices for me.. when everyone I know is bringing me down.. There's 2 sets of people that actually bring me up.. My viewers on youtube and my bf.. all in which aren't beside me.. If I die you think you tube people would care.. No ..

So really I got one thing and thats him.. million miles away he still seems to know how to cheer me.. Sorry for being so lonesome today.. I guess it's just one of those days.. like I said weight lost is more then just shredding those pounds.. its soooo much more..


Develop a wellness toolbox [I need this]

Come up with a list of things that you can do for a quick mood boost. Include any strategies, activities, or skills that have helped in the past. The more “tools” for coping with depression, the better. Try and implement a few of these ideas each day, even if you’re feeling good.

  1. Spend some time in nature.
  2. List what you like about yourself.
  3. Read a good book.
  4. Watch a funny movie or TV show.
  5. Take a long, hot bath.
  1. Listen to music.
  2. Take care of a few small tasks.
  3. Play with a pet.
  4. Write in your journal.
  5. Do something spontaneous.
** The best thing I can say for me personally and anyone on this journey is that, no matter how dark your tunnel.. just remember there is always a light .. To me that light is Brad.. and although he may never read this .. I know he noes how important he is to me.. and just how much I love him..

Peace & Love